


Arizona to NYC

by CherryBlossomLesbian



Series: Prompt Fills [26]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Blood, Flashbacks, Gen, Minor Violence, Panic Attacks, Past Brainwashing, Past Torture, Prompt Fill, Triggers, Tumblr Ask Box Fic, brief thought of self harm, set within TFAWS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 03:26:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30133269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CherryBlossomLesbian/pseuds/CherryBlossomLesbian
Summary: "You just have to ruin everything, don't you." Sam commented as he turned around to face Zemo in the empty warehouse, Bucky following his lead. There was only one exit in the entire place since it had been abandoned and boarded up, and that exit was blocked by a toppled over fuel truck and the aftermath of a small scale explosion."I'm not here for you." Zemo stated calmly, simply standing in place in the middle of the warehouse, fifty feet between them. "I'm not really even here for him." He said, talking like Bucky wasn't standing right next to Sam.Before either of them can say anything, Zemo start speaking again.In Russian.OR: Bucky gets emotionally triggered. In the midst of a panic attack, he accidentally hurts Sam, and runs away to NYC to hide. And ask a friend a favour.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson
Series: Prompt Fills [26]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1978546
Comments: 1
Kudos: 41





	Arizona to NYC

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: i have this sambucky prompt; where Bucky gets triggered again during a mission and he hurts Sam. Bucky snaps out of it after realizing what he did and couldn't stop blaming and beating himself up for it and he tries to distance himself from Sam so he won't get hurt again, but then Sam comforts him about it and all that. wanna write this one as romantic or platonic is completely up to you tho!
> 
> Warnings: Minor violence between Sam and Bucky (a single punch), blood, panic attacks, mentions of HYDRA's torture and conditioning, flashbacks, and a brief thought of self-harm. 
> 
> If any of the Russian is wrong, let me know. I tried to do my research to make it as accurate as I can.

Bucky's lips curve into a frown as warm blood begins to drip from his nose. 

There's a sway in his walk from the way his left leg had been bashed in with a crowbar by one of the henchmen in the earlier battle. 

Sam wasn't looking great earlier- his right eye was beginning to blossom black and blue, his lip was bleeding, and there was a dark stain on his uniform around his heart. It wasn't enough of a stain to be a major, life threatening injury, but they still needed to get back to the nearest base as soon as possible. 

"Hello, boys." 

Shit. 

So they weren't getting back to a base anytime soon. 

"You just have to ruin everything, don't you." Sam commented as he turned around to face Zemo in the empty warehouse, Bucky following his lead. There was only one exit in the entire place since it had been abandoned and boarded up, and that exit was blocked by a toppled over fuel truck and the aftermath of a small scale explosion. 

"I'm not here for you." Zemo stated calmly, simply standing in place in the middle of the warehouse, fifty feet between them. "I'm not really even here for him." He said, talking like Bucky wasn't standing right next to Sam. 

Before either of them can say anything, Zemo start speaking again. 

In Russian. 

"вернуться домой, солдат." 

The words reach Bucky's ears.

And he shuts down. 

Not the shut down of being triggered into The Winter Soldier. 

The shut down of Bucky Barnes himself being triggered. 

He immediately falls to the concrete floor before Sam can even process what's happening. He grips his head in his hands. 

"Shut up shut up shut up-" The words fall from his lips like a mantra, repeating over and over again as if that's going to be of any help. 

"мы нужны тебе, солдат." Zemo continues, and Bucky's repeating mantra amps up from a steady whisper to a full blown scream.

He backs himself up until he hits a wall. He curls up against it, head in his hands and knees pulled up to chest, panting loudly as tears take over his attention and the phrase from before is forgotten.

There's the sounds in a battle in the distance, but everything feels so far away and he's having an incredibly tough time keeping himself from breaking his own wrist just to feel something other than torture at the hands of somebody else. 

He hears another shout of something in Russian over the noises of a fight. 

And that was the final straw, and he slips away from reality, and back into HYDRA. 

He was backed up into the corner. He heard the techs milling around in the distance, and out of the corner of his eye he could see The Chair sitting there, waiting and ready for him. 

His own screams reverberated around in his head, deafening all the background noise. His breathing became labored as he heard footsteps approaching him, and he was too nervous to look up and see if it was a tech, or a handler, or a commander- 

There was a light touch on his arm. 

His entire body seized up. 

They can't take him again he can't go through the pain of forgetting again he can't handle the how raw his throat feels afterwards because he'd been screaming for so long- 

He throws a punch before he knows it, and the sound of his screams was broken up by the sound of his fist colliding with somebody's face. 

He blinked. 

And he was out of the torture room and back into the warehouse, standing up a few inches away from the corner he'd been backed into just a few minutes ago. At least, he thinks it was a few minutes ago. He can't be sure. His brain was trying desperately to catch up and was just failing. 

Zemo was gone. 

Sam had a hand up to his own face, cradling his cheek as if he had just been stung. 

The realization washed over Bucky in the most nauseating way.

He'd punched Sam. 

He'd _hurt _Sam.__

__"Bucky-" Sam begins, voice soft, with no detectable anger._ _

__"Stay away." Bucky holds his flesh hand out, trying to keep his distance from Sam, as if he was begging a wolf he found in the woods to not attack._ _

__Except, he wasn't protecting himself from Sam._ _

__He was protecting Sam from himself._ _

__And then there was a blast, followed by a fresh cloud of dust obstructing their view as the rumble that had been blocking the exit was blown up in spectacular fashion._ _

__When the dust settled, and the air was clear again, Sharon ran into the warehouse to find the two of them and bring them back to a SHIELD base for medical attention and debrief._ _

__She only found Sam._ _

__~~~~~~~~_ _

__People stared at him on the street._ _

__It had been a day since the mission. Since he hurt Sam. Since he snuck away the first opportunity he got and went through an impromptu road trip._ _

__From Arizona to New York._ _

__All of his injuries from the mission had healed overnight. His leg was a little sore, but it was minor compared to the agonizing pain he'd endured when he first got the injury. Night was approaching rapidly again, the streets illuminated in a light glow of streetlamps as the sun set over the horizon._ _

__He stopped at a gas station and bought a granola bar with coins he found on the floor of buses and in-between the seats._ _

__He felt a little bad about leaving all his stuff back in his and Sam's apartment in D.C._ _

__But that's okay._ _

__He won't be needing them anymore._ _

__He strolled through the streets until he reached a more relaxed area of the city. He'd memorized this address a long time ago, when it had been given to him._ _

__He'd been told he could always stop by if he found himself in a bad situation._ _

__And here he is now, guilt once again consuming him as he climbed up the fire escape until he reached the apartment he needed._ _

__He pulled a bobby pin out of his pocket- he was lucky his superhero getup of a leather jacket and black pants was inconspicuous enough that it didn't draw too much attention- and picked the lock on the back door, shimmying the metal pick around until it finally came loose and Bucky was able to enter._ _

__He only set one foot inside the apartment before there was a pistol pressed up against his temple._ _

__"Hey, Rhodes." Bucky greeted, nonchalant even with the threat._ _

__The gun lowered, and the face of the man behind it became visible._ _

__There were bags under Rhodes' eyes. He had an old, worn MIT sweater on, as well as fleece pajama bottoms._ _

__Rhodey's gaze softened as Bucky stepped fully into the apartment, at least having the common courtesy to close the door he'd just picked the lock off of._ _

__"What are you here for, Barnes?' Rhodey says in an exasperated tone. "Wilson texted me saying you weren't at home and I should keep an eye out, but I honestly wasn't expecting you to just...break into my apartment." He shrugged. "Although, I guess I can't really rule out any scenario with you."_ _

__"I'm a wildcard." Bucky pulls the empty granola bar wrapper out of his pocket and into Rhodey's trash. Once again, he may be committing B &E, but at least he's not littering. _ _

__Rhodes rolls his eyes. "Again I ask. Why are you here?"_ _

__"I need you to put me in prison."_ _

__Rhodey's face contorted into an expression that was a combination of bewilderment, confusion, and another emotion Bucky can't quite place. He does know that it isn't a happy one._ _

__"You...do you realize you can just…" Rhodes mimics pulling two jail bars apart, implying that with Buckys super-strength he could easily break out of almost any cell they could put him in._ _

And he's not wrong.

__"Then don't give me bars. Or windows. Hide the door." Bucky doesn't see the problem here. Maybe his judgment is a little clouded at the moment by an ever-encompassing sense of culpability and some part of HYDRA's conditioning that still lives within him, that tells him failure must always come with drastic consequences._ _

__And this was a failure. He'd promised himself a long time ago he'd ever hurt Sam._ _

__He needed the consequences of his own actions to be given. He craved it._ _

__"Barnes, we aren't locking you up, I thought we've been over this." Rhodes sighs, and something in his leg braces hisses, and he just sighs again as he sits down on the couch in the middle of the living room-kitchen combo._ _

__"I hurt somebody." He informs, although Rhodes seems unphazed._ _

__"Yeah, that's kinda how the superhero life works." Rhodes lifts one leg up onto the couch and begins adjusting a dial on the brace, and the hissing sound stops._ _

__"I hurt Sam."_ _

__Rhodey paused._ _

__A silence settles over them as Rhodes thinks over what Bucky said. He hurt Sam, but if he got a text from Sam this morning he must not be in critical condition…._ _

__"What happened?"_ _

__Bucky spills everything that he can remember. Zemo, the flashback, and the punch. Rhodey just watches him as he speaks._ _

__Once Bucky is done recounting the events that led him here, practically begging to be locked up, there's a knock on the door._ _

__Bucky's vibranium hand immediately reached for one of the handguns in his waist holster._ _

__"Relax, Barnes. Some people actually come in here through the front door." Rhodes gets up from the couch, and heads to the door, greeting the person there. Rhodes has kept the door wide open in a way that is obstructing Bucky's view of who exactly is there._ _

__"Really, Buck? Arizona to NYC?"_ _

__Dammit._ _

Rhodes must have texted Sam after Bucky showed up. Bucky hadn't seen Rhodes pull his phone out, but he had his back turned a few times.

__He bites his lip as Sam steps into the threshold, and the first thing Bucky notices is the light bruise on Sam's cheek._ _

__A bruise he put there._ _

__"Sam, I can't-"_ _

__"Rhodes, can I…?" Sam trailed off as tilted his head in the direction of the guest room._ _

__"Yeah, yeah, I got it. Figures you two would kick me out of my own living room." The words were nowhere near vicious, if the smirk on Rhodes' lips as he spoke them was any indication._ _

__And then it's just him and Sam, standing three feet away from one another in the living room of their friend's apartment. The stance they're both in is akin to a default pose for a video game character, and if an outside were to observe what was happening they would be completely confused._ _

__"So, you ran away-"_ _

__"To protect you."_ _

__Four words in and Bucky had already interrupted Sam. Always a great way to start a conversation._ _

__"I don't need protection." Sam looks as if he's a few seconds away from scoffing. "And I definitely do not need protection from you."_ _

__"I hurt you." Bucky's voice was flat. He hated it, how much it sounded like he lacked any emotions when really there's just way too many for him to properly express at once, so instead his tone just says monotone._ _

__"You hurt me during a panic attack, after you were exposed to a trigger from your trauma." Sam crosses his arms over his chest, preparing for some sort of big speech that Bucky is sure he'd heard a million times._ _

__"Let me guess. Next line is "It's not your fault"." A little bit of sarcasm comes out when he speaks this time, but again his voice sounds disconnected and numb._ _

__"Yeah, actually, 'cause it's my fault that I touched your arm in the first place. I thought you went unconscious. Zemo did too, that's when he left." Sam begins to move to close the gap between the two of them, and Bucky's breath speeds up as he gets a better view of the bruise, springing up blue, purple, and green spots all along Sam's cheek._ _

__"...If I wasn't my fault, it sure as hell wasn't your fault earlier." Finally the emotion returns to his voice, with hints of sadness present in every word he speaks._ _

__"Yeah, you're right. It's Zemo's fault for triggering you in the first place." Sam's hand comes to rest on Bucky's left shoulder. He did this often, grounding Bucky to the present and making him feel cared for._ _

__And truthfully, it did really help._ _

__Bucky couldn't help but bring his right hand up to hover over the bruise on Sam's cheek. If he looks hard enough, he thinks he can see where the bruise has formed in the imprint of his own fist. Bucky's unsure if that's a thing that can actually happen, and he is a bit sleep deprived, so maybe he's just imagining something that isn't there._ _

__"You didn't hurt me." Sam assured, grabbing Bucky's hand and holding it tight. "You never could hurt me."_ _

__Given their history, that was a lie._ _

__But it was a nice thing to think about. How much they cared for one another. How even when they have a rift, something will always bring them back._ _

__Because truly, it's fate they ever became friends, and they're going to live the chance that fate gave them to the fullest._ _

**Author's Note:**

> If you'd like to submit a prompt for me to write, check out the notes of my prompt fills series this fic is in!
> 
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